JAMESIFY

By the way, I just enjoyed not adding cream and sugar to my instant coffee. That is just plain good black coffee and hot water.

Love is very beautiful. It gives you a different level of happiness. It makes your face brighter, your smile livelier, and your eyes fuller of soul. It’s so magical how love turns one to something amazing, unbeatable. It’s like earning something to brag about, that all of your insecurities vanished before you as someone accepts how the mess you really are.

But, love, when taken away is so devastating. All of the wonderful things you had will be doubled in reverse. It was so painful. You’ll lose not only the life you lived happy but the person you knew you are. You’ll lose your identity.

I experienced that myself. I had breakups and believe me damn i hate it.

Pain lingers every freaking minute.

As the fact creeps in your head, pain sinks to your heart, screwing your soul turning it black.

It was very hard for someone like me. I am never showy. I’m not expressive. I do not hide things, i don’t know, I don’t intend to, but it’s me.

I was silent then, fake smiles every time, fake happiness. No one notices especially when you are the kind of funny guy. You look so sunny outside; no one sees the tragedy inside. Everywhere i go i feel like I’m inside a storage room. Dark. With no one.

Breakups would put you to so much hurt that you’d choose to be single. The fear of having another breakup and feeling the same or even greater hurt would haunt you. You never want to taste that experience again.

But time flies, I have realized and decided over time to make myself so much better. And when you do that, you’re at the stage of rebuilding yourself. To the new you. Rebuild yourself into a successful individual who chase goals.

I have come to a point where achieving careers and further studies gives me the happiness, contentment, fulfillment. Through this, I am finally doing things for myself; to be better. And I am very happy.

Will I ever be in a relationship again? The answer is yes. I still believe that God has someone for me. And when that girl comes, if God would allow; she will be the luckiest to have the best version of me she could ever have.

St. Joseph the Worker Church, Fort Ramon Magsaysay, Palayan City

This post is one untold story from my first blog post; Blind Persuit.

So for how many years I have been focused on earning until, I longed for something I don’t know I do not see in my current job. A crisis they say being experienced by a millennial reaching an age beyond early adulthood. This led me to another anticipated resignation and went home without any assurance of landing a job anywhere soon.

During the time I had a running application to another government office that functions the closest to my field of study, closest to my profession, which is why I wanted that job so bad. First rounds of interviews was so smooth, the management was impressed and I was immediately scheduled for an interview with a regional director and there my brother, I messed up. I was not hired and it triggered all my pity to my self.

I knew I had to reflect, I went to church, it was a sunny mass and I seated near the altar. After the Holy Communion, i knelled and asked God “Lord, ano ba’ng plano mo sa’kin? (Lord, what's your plan for me?)” I’ve been hiding all my disappointments, all my hurt, and all my pity for myself. No one knew this. Everyone though that I’m good and happy, and contented. Everyone sees my smile and humor, they do not know what’s behind everything they see on my surface. Right in the middle of my prayer, tears poured out my eyes. There were so many people inside the church. I never cry in public but i cant help it. For once in my life I cried hard inside the church, i felt helpless, I cried everything to God. I miraculously felt a huge relief right after. This experience gave me a realization to go out there and continue fighting.

Days after, I had another week to look for a job. I saw something that I couldn’t share here yet that led me to pursuing a career in the academe. There is this one college where I just went there to leave a copy of my resume, they arranged an immediate appointment with me and so, I got hired not less than 24 hours.

Viola! Im an instructor now! I was very happy back in the days. I have no other words to God but thanks.

Another journey unfolds as I leap to another career, I’m so excited. Let’s see what’s coming next.

(Setting dated back in May 2017.)

Photo off the coast of Dingalan, Aurora

Over the years, I’d done a number of things to be thankful of; I had good careers from different well-known companies and government agencies where I would always leave substantial contributions. I’d done what’s expected from me after college; helped ease family finances, been sending a sibling to school, and was able to buy not only my needs but mostly my wants.

These careers that I secured in the past had me earning, but after getting that expensive phone, shirt and jeans in the mall, after dating and going to night outs using my own money; at the end of the day; I’m still deeply unfulfilled. For years of my journey as an employee I was not able to find my purpose. I feel like I am not utilizing myself to my full potential.

Seeking difference but not sure what to do and where to start to figure out something you don't have a clue.

Countless nights of thinking, I’ve been asking myself; are you going to pursue your profession? Join the military where you grew up? Or just stay where you are and settle and appreciate what you currently have. I had no answer.

The very famous phrase “follow your passion” is a very nice concept. But there’s one big problem. I don’t know what passion is. I wish to find that one out soon.

And so I ended up resigning again. The most recent was the job where I remained for almost three years; the longest I have ever been with since I started working. Went home without any assurance of getting hired anywhere soon. I busted myself.

Fast forward and I went to the academe. It was such a decision that no one including me saw coming. This career is very challenging. It was not easy. I knew I am an introvert who hates the crowd, hates people’s eyes on me, but even so; I made a leap.

Struggle was killing me during my first days, my first time as an instructor went without any background and training. This fool does not even know what a lesson plan is, how to conduct assessments or whatever is needed to be an effective instructor. Again, it was not easy but finally, I found a purpose.

I would be sharing a lot more about what I found and have been enjoying on a different post so for now, haha! I’ll leave you hanging.

(Setting dated February 2017)

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JAMESIFY

Petchay | I’m A Second Born, And I Love Green.

Resolved | Why I choose to be single for a while

Unearthed | How I Become A Teacher

Blind Pursuit | How I Found A Purpose